Seeing "professional" actors at work always makes Sami second-guess her place in this world.
Today we saw Cider House Rules (Part 2) at Book-It Rep in Seattle. This is a show I was called back for earlier this year (and obviously did not get cast in). I generally avoid watching shows I audition for and don't get because my poor fragile psyche usually can't take it. One of two things usually happens.
The girl who got my part was so outstanding that I bow down to her greatness, acknowledge her superior skill and thank the director for having the good sense to cast this wayOR
- The girl who stole my part from me was so atrocious that clearly there was some mix up in the casting procedures; she must have been someone's niece/sister/girlfriend/favorite prostitute and that my not getting the role was due to poor, gin-soaked judgment.
But is that enough?
This whole move to Seattle, while thrilling and exciting and all, is completely terrifying for me. A MAJOR factor in the decision to move is the fact that time and again, it has been 'hinted' to me that I would have been cast "if only" I didn't live so far away. Once I live IN Seattle, what happens if they had been lying to me all along? What if the reason I did not get cast was NOT because of distance? Maybe they were just being nice. Maybe that is their go-to kiss off phrase. Maybe I stunk up the room.
Today in the program, I saw the picture from a previous production of an actress that lives down in Pierce County. SHE got cast in spite of the distance! Why didn't I?
If I am just not good ENOUGH to risk the distance, what will I do if I am not good enough close by?
I watched these wonderful actors in a tough show just give it all they had. The show was tight, clean and moving. Do I have enough to bring to the table to even be allowed to play the game?
I will use this confidence breaker to work harder, learn more, be better – but if after all this time, THIS is as good as I get . . . will that be good enough?