In defense of negativity.

I have been put on a diet. For 7 days in a row, I am not allowed to say anything negative. Period. And any time I am caught saying anything negative, I have to start the 7 days all over again the next day. So, before I launch into today’s blog I need to say one quick thing.

Starting over tomorrow!

Okay – now that THAT is out of the way . . .

Here is the thing. Sami (that would be me for the uninitiated to my tendency to self-refer in the person on the third) is a big, old neurotic mess. She knows this about herself. It is probably one of the reasons FOR the whole third person silliness because then she is taking a step back “out of herself” rather than taking full ownership of what is happening.

Okay. Taking ownership of what is about to be said.

I HATE singing. I hate the sound of my voice. I hate the way I can feel it in my throat even though I KNOW I am not suppose to. That I am just supposed to trust that it will go where it is supposed to go and not try to control it. I hate that I can’t smoothly transition from chest to head voice in spite of 20 YEARS of voice lessons. I hate the fact that I am pitchy.  I hate that I sound (in my head) like a 12 year old BOY when I sing. I hate that everybody tells me I sound “fine,” because you know what . . . Fine is not good enough. It never has been good enough for me and probably never will be.

Also, I don’t think that thinking any of that stuff is a bad thing.

Because I don’t let it stop me from doing it anyway. I think that my voice is substandard and yet keep doing it BECAUSE I am determined to get THERE. Determined to get to that place where I AM happy with it and I CAN feel comfortable with where it is and then – I will probably quit. I am hoping I never get THERE until the day before I die.

I totally understand and agree that negative thinking will get you nowhere in a hurry. I also feel equally as strongly that complacency will get you nowhere just as fast. My dissatisfaction with where I stand drives me to work harder, to tweak this and adjust that – getting me closer to the ever elusive THERE. I am NOT a great actor – but I strive to be. I am NOT a great singer – but I continue to work at it. I am NOT the great person I could be – but each day I follow the path that gets me a step or two closer to where she is.

When I tell myself that I don’t have it or that note was flat or that word was wrong, it is because if I DON’T, if I allow myself to sit on my laurels and think “screw it, I got this” then THAT is when everything will fall apart.

Because I am an inherently lazy person - without a goal, I flounder. Knowing and acknowledging where I am not – pushes me to where I should be.

And let me tell you – that is going to be a rockin’ place to be. Once I finally get there.