No Pressure Though

When the nerves get the better of you, DO something.

A casting director from one of the Big Seattle Theatres has reservations to see The Last 5 Years. AND she have them on a day that only had 2 reservations. Hers!

So what does Sami do?

Well, panics (of course).

Think about it. An audience of two – ONE of which is a VIP – would NOT make for a very relaxed Sami during performance. First of all, since she does NOT currently know what the casting director looks like, if there are only two audience members Sami could probably guess quickly WHO that CD is and would NOT be able to focus since her brain would be too busy trying to see if sad CD was having a good time. SECONDLY, if there are only two people in the audience then how would the CD know just how funny Sami can be (since there would be no one else there to laugh at the silly bits). Third, Holy Crap – Launch is working . . . NOW WHAT????

Clearly an audience of two just won't do.

So Sami sprung into action – like the producing super hero that she is.

We offered 2 for 1 tickets for that performance, offered some free tickets at Seattle Comp Tickets, gave some tickets away on Facebook and plugged the living daylights out of that show.

And now we have at least an audience of 18 and Sami can live with that.

NOW. If only she can live THROUGH it.

Well, will you look at that.

When one fantastic week is followed by another.    

Last week, I felt invincible (mostly). The opening weekend went great, I felt VERY good about several auditions and my kids were well behaved (again . . . mostly). The relationship is continuing to be the best of my life. The move to Seattle is progressing. Life seemed to be just about where I want it to be. Now, I will admit that everything is not perfect. Too many things are "up in the air" and there are some really tough decisions that need to be made but overall, life is pretty doggone great.

Surely this lucky streak can't continue, I thought.

Then I got cast in my THIRD dream role this year AND got a call from one of the Big Seattle Theatres that their casting director is coming to see "The Last 5 Years" this weekend. Holy Crap!!

And it is only Tuesday!

Well, I am not sure if the lucky streak will go on indefinitely, but I am certainly enjoying it while I have it.

Developing A Habit

One month ago, I started a new endeavor which is slowly changing my life for the better.

August was a month of changes. First there was the clothing diet which slowly downsized and simplified my wardrobe (and also taught me how to change my attitude towards clothing).

Then came the rehearsals (and subsequent performances) of "The Last 5 Years." This is teaching me to get out of my head when singing and worry less about how "pretty" it sounds and more about WHY the song exists in the first place.

Finally, I started this blog – which is surprisingly having the greatest effect of all. Based solely on the momentum created by this blog, I have: started the Actors and Auditioners Newsletter, started submitting query letters to magazines, submitted a book query to a publisher and have begun writing daily again. That last one is the biggie. I used to write daily. For years. I have fallen out of the habit in recent years but since I have developed an audience with this – I have someone to be accountable to. This motivates me so I am getting 'er done.

And I thank you for it.

Writing for you (and for me) is a habit I have no plans of breaking.

A show of support

Who needs an audience filled with strangers, when you can have one filled with friends!

Last night, we had the benefit show for Gold From Straw in Tacoma. We figured that we would have a pretty decent turn out (since that is MUCH closer to home) but did not expect the outpouring of love that greeted us.

To be perfectly frank, I was the most nervous about last night's show. When you go to a show where you don't know anyone in the cast there is always a different expectation than when you see one that friends are involved in. If you just go to a "stranger" show, there is no expectation on you to like it. You can go in and just feel about it any old way because you have no one to answer to. It just isn't the same when you go support friends. You hope and pray your friends don't suck; that you will be able to find SOMETHING nice to say in case they do. That the production surprises you in some way. When friends come to see YOU in a show, there is that expectation on you as well. They hope you don't stink (or they hope you DO which is a different issue entirely).

Last night, I could feel crossed fingers and support the moment I came on stage. I could just tell that those people were in the audience out of love, to support me and The Bruce in our ridiculously frightening experiment. They sent love to our orchestra. They laughed, applauded, oohed and aaahed and went with us the whole way. It felt like they were in the show with us.

It was completely emotional and overwhelming.

Thank you, dear friends, so much for coming out and wishing us well. You will never know just how much that meant to us.

Love and all that jazz!

There is a fine line between pleasure and pain

brav·er·y

 [brey-vuh-ree, breyv-ree]
–noun, plural -er·ies.
1. brave spirit or conduct; courage; valor.

2. showiness; splendor; magnificence.

Origin: 1540–50;  prob. < It braveria,  equiv. to brav ( are ) to brave + -eria -ery
—Related forms
o·ver·brav·er·y, noun
—Can be confused: bravery, bravado, bravura.
—Synonyms 
1.  intrepidity, fearlessness, boldness, daring, prowess, heroism, pluck, spirit, audacity, nerve, mettle, spunk.
—Antonyms 
1.  cowardice.

Last night, I did one of the scariest things I have ever done in my life. Last night, we opened our production of "The Last 5 Years" which is a two-person musical with one of the harder scores in the musical theatre canon. And somehow I lived through it.

So what is the big deal about that?

I have spent the better part of my life TERRIFIED of singing. I don't mean that it makes me nervous. I mean that there are days I would rather jump off of the Aurora Bridge than open my mouth and try to squeak out something resembling a tune without the benefit of other voices or earplugs to drown me out. 

I HATE the sound of my voice. Hate it. It is one of the few things that I am still an over-sensitive, neurotic adolescent girl about. My voice. And even more than I hate my voice, I hate the FACT that I hate my voice and how it just FREEZES me during auditions and performances.

So I had to do something about it.

I have taken voice lessons for about 20 years. I have been in about 25 musicals (mostly as ensemble). I used to be in bands, sing karaoke, perform singing telegrams, anything I could think of to get over the fear. I figured if I could sing Happy Birthday while wearing a banana suit, then I could handle a musical theatre audition, right?

Wrong.

Granted, I have been much LESS crazy than I used to be. It has been a few years since puking immediately before or after (or unfortunately DURING) a singing audition. I managed to be able to sing a song loud enough to actually be heard over the piano. But still, my chest would tighten and sheer panic would set in.

I turn the Big 4-0 in a few months and did NOT want to go into "official adulthood" with childish fears holding me back. Time to take action.

I am an actress so I figured if I could find a show that was more about the "acting" and less about the "singing," then maybe – just maybe, I could finally get the hell over myself. In a fortunate turn of events, I found myself with access to a free performance space and I thought, "that's it. This is my sign." I actually decided ON THE SPOT to do the hardest show I could think of (that still fell within my singing range but was just rangy enough to make me work for it).

I asked a dear friend (who is an amazing singer) to please do the show with me. In a leap of faith (having never even heard me sing NOR heard the show!), he agreed and we were on our way.

We compiled a group of people that I trusted to completely fail in front of. We secured rights. We promoted the living daylights out of it (mostly to ensure that I didn't chicken out last minute). And we rehearsed.

I am pretty sure than my team was scared, at first, of how I would handle things. I would be physically shaking during music rehearsals; I begged to not have to perform promotional "pre-production" shows. Even my voice teacher seemed less than confident in my ability to "pull it off."

But as rehearsals progressed, I found my "voice" and found all the reasons FOR what the character was saying. It became less about hitting that E and more about WHY she was flipping out at that moment. I am not saying the singing aspect became less scary, but it did become less important.

Going into tech week, I knew my words and I knew I knew my notes (even if I wasn't completely sure I was always on pitch). Mostly I knew WHY my character was going through things and that became my complete focus.

So last night, at opening, I sat backstage before we started (the 10 minute hold for the audience did NOT help matters) with my stomach acids rising and tried NOT to focus on the fact that I was about to have 7 solos and 2 duets in front of people. People who PAID to hear me sing.

And it wasn't terrible.

I think the stomach acids and nerves did a little number on the voice and I did not quite hit the notes the way I wanted to, but it didn't kill me. The Gods of Musical Theatre didn't smite me on the spot for having the audacity to try to play with their ball. I adjusted and got through it.

Of course, afterwards, I stood backstage in TEARS fearing I had destroyed the show and wasted everyone's time. I hesitantly went out into the theatre (after changing and pulling myself together) and was greeted by an audience member who just stood and stared at me. In complete tears.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"It was just so real," she replied and asked for a hug – she needed assurance that I was okay. She was so caught up in the emotion of what I had just done that it overwhelmed her. I held her and realized that she didn't care that I had to mix that note rather than belt it or that I may have been just under this note. She loved the show and it had touched her.

And isn't THAT the point?

So, am I "over myself?" Hell, no. 

Does it matter that I am not vocally perfect? Not anymore.

Mission accomplished.

 

An overwhelming amount of awesome

Do you ever have one of those days that seem to just go wrong from the second you wake up? You stub your toe on the bed, slip in the shower, and bite your tongue instead of your Corn Flakes. You know . . . THAT kind of day?

Well, yesterday was NOT that kind of day.

Yesterday was the kind of day you hope for but know that the odds are against you.

Yesterday was a day of multiple "Big Deal" events.

First off, I had a Non-Equity General Audition for one of the Seattle Big Regional Theatres. They hold them every other month but you are only permitted to attend twice a year. I actually kicked off Launch last year on October 1 with one of these auditions. That one went fairly well, ending with a "nice job" and that was about it.

THIS audition was a completely different story.

When I walked into the room, the auditor looked at me as though she was pretty sure she knew me (I am hoping that is because I am memorable and NOT because I send TOO many postcards with career updates). We had a brief conversation about how we "might have known each other" and then I did my two pieces.

I felt pretty strong about my pieces. I had not "over-rehearsed" HOW I was going to do them. Rather I decided to try to just learn the words inside and out and to focus on WHAT I was saying and just let the body do what it does naturally. As I was doing them, I recall feeling how easily they seemed to be flowing. There was none of that normal "I am auditioning" tension. I was just and my words and we seemed to be moving along in perfect harmony.

After I was done, the auditor was smiling and we had a great talk about how much she loved my pieces and wonder why more actresses didn't choose ones like them. The words "wonderful, very nice, specific" sprouted up quite a bit. She then went on to say that while this season was fully cast but that NEXT season would be announced in a few weeks and I would "probably be hearing from them."

Now, I have been doing this long enough to know that her saying that may not actually lead to anything. I don't care. Those words were exactly what I needed to get out of that audition. Everything else is gravy.

But wait!! There's more!

Then I get a phone call from an audition that I had earlier in the week – even though I was NOT available for the callbacks, the director decided to have ADDITIONAL callbacks so that he could see me again. Woot!! He even scheduled the auditions around my ridiculously busy weekend.

And THEN

Last night we had our Preview performance for "The Last 5 Years." Small but wonderfully receptive audience that absolutely roared with applause at the end of the show.

As far as Sami the Actress goes – days just don't get much better than that.

Opening Night Tonight! Let's see if the awesome continues.

What you don’t know you won’t be missing

Stand up, walk to your closet and look inside. What do you see?

For years, I saw clothes that were the "wrong" size. Clothes that made me feel too fat, too tall, too dumpy, too trampy, too old, too young, too . . .

These feelings were particularly strong when I am in the process of gaining weight (as in for baby-making) or losing weight or being all gross and pre-menstral. If it is true that "clothes make the man," then I feel it is just as true that "clothes can un-hinge a woman."

They're just clothes, right? How can clothes make you feel anything?

Well, of COURSE, it isn't my Ann Taylor Loft obsession that is to blame for the frequent breakdowns of my fashion psyche. Nor can I fault my ever-expanding collection of 'layering tanks' for the fact that I can never find something to wear that will alter my unfortunate self-image. It is just than in a vain (get it? Vain?? Never mind) attempt at appeasing the Bad Self Esteem monster, I had acquired a ridiculous amount of clothes. PLUS I was terrified to purge the ones I had outgrown/shrunk out of in the hope/fear that I might be "that size" again.

About 6 weeks ago, I was reading an article about a movement called Six Items or Less. The idea was that people all over the world limited their clothing choices for an entire month to six items. (This did NOT include pajamas, workout clothes or underthings). The "creators" stated it was a way to get back to basics and to curb consumerism.

Whatever it was supposed to be about – I just thought it was a cool experiment.

I was extremely intrigued about the idea but decided to "sit on it" for a bit. I tend to get really "excited" about things but then the next shiny toy catches my eye and that initial excitement fades pretty quickly. This one, however, stuck with me. The Bruce would walk into our bedroom and catch me staring at the clothes in my closet. As I would fold laundry, I would think "do I really need this?" I would joke about which 6 I would pick if I were to do it.

It just wouldn't leave my head. So I clearly had to do it.

Much like making the decision to do was tough, the paring down of my wardrobe to the 6 items was also challenging. A lot of people who did the diet previously stuck to an all black wardrobe but I am not all "all-black all the time" kind of girl so I did NOT want to do that. I pared it down to 10 pretty easily. It was those last 4 pieces that took about a day and a half of deliberation to finally settle on. Because of my job, I had to make sure that any clothing I had would be audition/callback appropriate. This one caused me no end of grief. Finally I went to the website sixitemsorless.com and found out that "work uniforms" did not count against your 6 items. Perfect! I grabbed a simple brown jersey dress, called it my "audition uniform," decided on the brown versus cream colored slacks and we were off.

A huge initial benefit that I found was as I was paring down to the 6 items, I also purged everything from my closet that no longer fit. I am currently a size 10 and I had clothes in my closet that were size 18!!! Before even starting the diet, I had cut my wardrobe almost in half!

The actual diet itself was shockingly easy to follow. For the first three weeks, I took pictures every day to document. Then, honestly, I got bored with the pictures. I had already documented every possible combination and didn't see the point of continuing to do that. PLUS, we got REALLY busy and I would forget.

Some clothing combinations worked better than others and I bought some belts to try to spruce things up but that only lasted about a week or so. In the end, what seemed to work best for me was the simple top/bottom with no real accessories to speak of. I am not a "jewelry" girl so that seems to work just fine and I didn't feel like I was putting on a costume.

As the month was nearing its end, I was more and more convinced that I could pare down my "regular" wardrobe even more. In the end, I cut back to about 4 of "everything." 4 jeans, 4 tanks, 4 t-shirts (long and short), 4 sweaters, etc. I kept more pants than I originally planned but I have toddlers who like to share their lunches with my lap so that seemed reasonable to me.

The best part?

Right now, I look in my closet and all I see (other than about 50 empty hangers) are clothes. Just cloth and thread and buttons and zippers. Nothing more.

The Diet Menu

What is left of the wardrobe