What to expect when you’re (not) expecting

I have had an amazingly awesome/stressful/horrible/wonderful week.

I knew going into this week, I would most likely be stressed out. I have a LOT going on this week and while I thrive in chaos, I also crumble a bit under the stress of it all. I have no one to blame for these things but myself. I hold myself to ridiculously high standards and have mini-implosions when I can't live up to them. But even with those expectations of myself, even though I throw myself out to the Universe on an almost daily basis – I never really expect the Universe to catch or even TRY to catch.

This week (so far – it is only Tuesday) has involved an AWFUL lot of Universal catch and release. I had the Big Commercial Audition but didn't get a callback. Had a fabulous audition Sunday night but am UNAVAILABLE for callbacks (which is usually casting DEATH). Started to actually feel GOOD about my performance in the show only to destroy that confidence by watching a tape of rehearsal (note to self: Do Not EVER Do That Again).

Life is a balancing act. There has to be bad in order to the good to appear. If all you ever see is success, how do you truly know it means anything?

I have made a life and career out of taking huge risks and falling on my face. The major difference between me and a lot of people is that all that falling just callouses me up so that the next trip doesn't hurt quite so bad.

So, I will continue to go through this week (and the next several hundred) and repeatedly throw myself to the ground in the hopes that one day, when I least expect it, someone or something will catch me right before I land.

Something BIG is coming

Every once in a while, I find myself facing a daunting week. THIS is one of those weeks. Between today and next weekend, the following is happening (ready?):

Release of first issue of Actors and Auditioners Newsletter (Saturday – okay, that was this morning but it still counts!)

Audition for Eleemosynary (Sunday night – AFTER all day Tech Rehearsal)

Audition for Big Fat National Commercial (Monday – plus dress rehearsal)

Audition for Big Fat Seattle Theatre (Thursday – plus Preview Performance)

Opening Night of Last 5 Years (Friday)

Annnnnd scene!

Now, for those of you in the "real acting cities" this may look like a normal week, but around these parts this is exciting.

Ironically, my feelings of jealousy and inferiority just yesterday have given way to a "holy crikeys, things is about to get huge!" Now, I am well aware that nothing may come of any of it, that I may fall flat on my face and have to spend the rest of the week nursing my imaginary wounds. But the opposite is just as likely to be true and THAT is where the adrenaline rush comes in.

Every audition is an opportunity. A chance to be seen. A chance to play. A chance to show your stuff.

I am OVER this idea of not being good enough or pretty enough or young enough. All I can do is go in and give it my best shot. Be the most prepared. Be the most professional. What happens on the other side of the table is totally out of my control.

The fact that so many opportunities have been presenting themselves to me lately tells me that great things are on the horizon. I just need to keep my eye on the prize. Need to keep my wits about me and keep up the work.

When things finally blow up, you will be the second to know.

 

A confession of sorts

Two of my former classmates from college had "big" things happen to them this and they were both mentioned in the trades. I love reading the trades (Variety, Backstage, etc) in the HOPES that I will see a familiar name or face. I usually love seeing that my friends and acquaintances are making things happen for themselves. This time was a little different and I am not sure why.

This time, I am jealous.

Not "grr, how dare you be happy and I am stuck in a miserable experience" jealous. It is just your run of the mill "man, have I made the right choices??" jealousy.

I do not begrudge them. I know that both of them made sacrifices to get where they are. Sacrifices that I was unwilling or unable to make myself. And I am absolutely THRILLED for them. I just can't help feeling a little sad that I am not where they are.

That said, Launch has been going shockingly well in recent months and I should be very proud to have gotten as far as I have since it started.

PLUS I have a Big Fat (National) Audition on Monday to keep my mind occupied.

PLUS I have "The Last 5 Years" opening this week which is proving to be one of the best shows (if not THE best) I have ever worked on.

There is just the slightest stinging sensation that this is not Broadway and I may never be interviewed for Diva Talk nor written up for being cast in (yet another) Big Regional Theatre production.

And I have to learn to be okay with that. At least for the time being.

Success is such a relative thing anyway. Had you told my 19 year old self that I would be doing some of the craziness I find myself in now, I would have said that was just wishful thinking. Where I am is a far cry from where I was or where I ever thought I would be.

Back then, I would have probably been jealous of where I am now. And jealousy gets you nowhere.

The (Relative) Calm Before the Storm

Sami has the next 3 days "off" (including today but she does have her day job today and tomorrow so don't get too excited). No rehearsal until Sunday though and then all Hell Week breaks loose.

Now a "normal" person would see this as an opportunity to: nap, take a mini-vacay, clean house, do laundry, grocery shop, go to the park with the kidlets, or any number of things that have absolutely NOTHING to do with the show.

When you are producing, however, days "off" are merely opportunities to get "show crap" done while the sun is still up (as opposed to 3 in the morning which IS normal). There are programs to create (and print), sets to paint, slips to buy, a disco ball to approximate, promotional marketing emails to send, book jackets to design on top of all of the decongestants to freebase, newsletters to get out, toddlers to wrangle and relationships to keep alive.

So I am spending my morning (in addition to writing this entry) trying to figure out how to get everything that 'needs' to get done DONE so that I can actually take Saturday OFF.

A breather. A day of actual rest and relaxation. A chance to let the voice regain its bearings before I throw that music back at it again.

So I will hope and pray that my cohorts will get their bios to me in time, Spencer's has the strobe light thingy we need, that my ridiculously old version of Publisher holds out and that JC Penny's has the Petti-Shorts in stock.

And then on the 'Sabbath,' Sami shall look on all she had created, smile and proclaim "this is good – let's nap."

A “method” to the madness

"You are so Meisner, it's ridiculous."

Herr Director might have been teasing when he spouted this little nugget at me last night but it did get my brain thinking about the various acting "methods" that are out there and what they mean (or don't mean) to me.

There are almost as many "methods" as there are actors: there is the aforementioned Meisner Technique (named after Sanford Meisner), The Method (based on the work of Stanislavski and Chekov at the Moscow Art Theatre and then "Americanized" by some of the US's finest teachers – Strasberg, Adler, etc) and various other named techniques. A whole industry has been built around the "teaching" of acting. A lot of people are making a lot of money by making actors feel like they have to learn THIS method because THAT method has been deemed wrong or passé.

And I know I may piss off some people, but I think a LOT performance teachers are downright dangerous.

I think that learning the "art and craft" of acting is a beautiful thing. I do. If I didn't . . . boy, would that make me a hypocrite since I 'teach' it!

HOWEVER, I think that the various acting methods are nothing more than tools to get to where you need to go. But that is all they are.

Tools.

I believe that every person has it in him(or her)self to become an incredible actor. Each person has the capacity to create life on a stage. All they need is the guidance and belief that they CAN. Acting is hard work but it is also remarkably simple in some ways. (of course, there are those "stylized" forms of acting such as Kabuki but those fall into a separate category as far as I am concerned) The main thing to remember is that the goal of acting is to create a life on stage.

Life. The Art of Living.

What the various techniques teach is a way to create that life on stage. That is all. No one method is better than another because no one performer is exactly like another. What works for me may not work for you. The trick is to find what DOES work for you and THAT is where a good teacher comes in. A good teachers shows you all of the tools, what they look like, what the hazards are and then lets you play with the ones you think are shiniest. A good teacher (much like a good director) is a GUIDE - not a dictator.

Acting and performing are scary enough – we should have the safety net of a trusted guide and the tools to get us where we need to go.

And if that makes me "Meisner" then so be it. I guess that is what works for me – even if I wasn't aware of it.

Bragging Rights?

Herr Director told us tonight that he felt this show was ready for "off-Broadway." (this is NOT a Broadway type show so that is some HIGH praise!)

In my 30 some odd years as an actress, I have NEVER had a director tell me that I am doing work of that caliber. And I have to tell you – THAT FELT GREAT.

I have been VERY nervous about this show since we decided to do it almost 7 months ago. 7 months of "Am I Good Enough?" 7 months of "will anyone want to see it?" 7 months of "Should I get an understudy?"

And tonight, a man whose opinion I respect VERY much made me feel like a rock star.

He might have been blowing smoke up my tush (although he really isn't the type) but I don't care. I am on Cloud 9 and I don't care who knows it.

So take that all you doubters (self included)! Tonight Sami kicked the crap out of this show and there is NO going back from that.

Paying to Play

Yesterday, in preparation for the newsletter, I interviewed two groups of people. I interviewed Therese Diekhans (who will be my first Actor Profile) and also a group of community theatre performers (because I wanted their opinions on the types of questions I should ask for the Director Q&A).

What came out of those conversations that I found most interesting is the price we have to pay for being actors. Sometimes literally.

The community theatre actors had remarked that (among other things) they would like to know prior to auditions whether or not they would have to pay a fee to perform. I was incredulous. A fee to perform???? It turns out that some local community theatres (especially the ones further out from the "cities") charge fees to their performers to offset the cost of the productions. These range from call-it-as-they-see-it Performance Privileges Fee to ludicrous in their audacity Costume Fees.

I was at first flabbergasted but then became incensed. Theatre is hard work and I get pretty sick of people acting as if it is all fun and games. It is bad enough when "regular" people do it but when fellow theatre artists start treating it that way – well, it gets my goat. And then to try to profit off of newbies' desires to be in a show . . . well, the hair on the back of my neck stands up and colorful words start flying.

So this was all fresh in my mind when I met up with Therese.

Therese and I had done a staged reading a few years ago and I have been "following" her career ever since.

Therese became an Equity (union) actress just a few years ago (thanks to a children's show national tour) and has found that she is having a much harder time finding work ever since making the leap to Equity. So much so that she advises local actors to think hard before joining Equity in a market like ours.

So, basically, if you are a community theatre actor – sometimes you are expected to pay to play and if you are a professional actor – sometimes it just DOESN'T pay to play.

If you want to know more about Therese (plus a Director Q&A, audition tips and a Meet The Newbie feature) – please sign up for my free newsletter (see box to the right). First issue goes out this Saturday!!! :)